Marriage: Till Death Do Us Part

I, STATE YOUR NAME, take you, NAME, to be my wife (or husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

These words right here y'all!  These words right here, that bind two people together for the rest of their lives are the most important words you will ever say to another person and are full of meaning.  Do you understand the commitment you are making with one another on your wedding day?  Do you understand the true meaning of your vows?

I will be completely honest, when my husband and I first got married, I had zero clue what marriage meant and what the meaning of those vows meant.  I knew that I loved my husband and that we would be together for the rest of our lives but, I did not understand the true meaning. 

What do you do when your honeymoon phase is over?

What do you do when STUFF gets hard?

What do you do when communication is no longer as good as it used to be?

What do you do when you realize that those young people you were at 18 years old are not the same people anymore?

You see, I was once told that marriage is like turning lemons into lemonade.  You are taking two people with a set of 2 different experiences in life.  These two people had a different childhood, have different beliefs and may share a few common interests.  These two people are now joined as one through the power of love.  Just like that BOOM, you are one, have a great day!

Marriage is more than that.  It is hard work, dedication, and communication.  I am by no means a marriage expert; I can only speak on my own experience.

I am not who I used to be

I can clearly and confidently say that I am not the woman I was 14 years ago.  At the age of 20 when I said my vows, I had no idea of the woman I was or the woman I wanted to be.  I was pregnant in college and so much was happening around me.  I did not understand the meaning of self-discovery or self-reflection.  I mean who really has it all figured out in their 20’s?  I also did not know what it meant to be a wife. 

Growing up I saw vague examples of what marriage should look like but, I did not know what a marriage took and what it meant.  For a lot of my early 20’s I remember just grinding, working too many retail jobs, taking care of Tre and trying to figure out what bills we were going to be able to pay; My husband was doing the same.

I was lost, I was not happy, and I was so unsure of what the hell I was doing.  Is this marriage? Are we just living to work and struggle? Can someone please tell me what the hell this is? I do not know. 

My husband and I did not know what we were doing at that time but, without realizing it we were building our foundation.  Maybe this was foreshadowing for the future, who knows?  We began to learn more about ourselves and understand what we wanted out of life, through trial and error.  We were both evolving into who we wanted to be individually but, what about together?

You see somehow through all the building of our lives for the future, we had forgotten to take care of what was in front of us.  We no longer focused on the bonds we created with one another and what our rings symbolized. 

I failed to communicate exactly where I wanted our marriage to be and to thoroughly explain the woman I was becoming.  My husband also failed to communicate with me the man he was becoming and things were changing.  We were growing in two different directions.

Point 1: Do not be afraid of growth and sharing your level of growth with your spouse.  Be true to yourself and understand change is good.

Communication

Communication, Communication, Communication. Oh, and more Communication.  I cannot stress enough the importance of it.  Although I know how important it is, I must tell you…it is what I struggle with the most!  Let me tell you why, my husband and I have been married for 13 years; together a total of 15 years.  Now sometimes, I feel like you should know what I am thinking.  Like seriously, we have been together for this long and I still must tell you?

In reality, he may not know and sometimes the things he feels that I should know, I have no idea…at all! Not even a little bit! You guys, we must be able to communicate openly with our spouse no matter what the case may be.  I cannot speak for all but, most people when we discuss marriage have shared that they feel like they have married their best friend.  Let us think about that, “married your best friend”.  I talk to my best friend about 10 times a day about absolutely nothing.  When I am upset and I feel a type of way about my best friend, I am quick to let them know how I feel and exactly what they did to make me feel that way.  I also forgive my best friend…it may take me a few days but, I always find it in my heart to forgive her.  Now, if your spouse is truly your best friend…why are you not communicating?

Many would say, well because it's different.  My spouse may become defensive or is not receptive of the information I am trying to provide.  Others would say, I do not like to argue; It is just best that I give it time and let it pass.  I am here to tell you, it is not different! The only way for you all to grow stronger and continue to grow old together is to talk to one another.  A few tips for communicating:

1)     Tone- Your tone has a way of changing the way your message comes across.  If you need some time to get yourself together, do that.  You want to be able to communicate and have a valuable conversation that leads to a solution.

2)     Body Language- Be aware that your body sometimes speaks louder than your words.  Having your arms and feet crossed may not be the best way to start a conversation.  Relax, pick a calm place, and get ready to talk.  You want your body to also be able to receive information. 

3)     Stay on Topic- Please stay on topic.  If you find yourself switching from topic to topic, you may struggle to even remember why you started talking in the first place.  By the end of it you will not have a solution.

4)     Closing- Hopefully, at this point you have come to some type of solution or are still civil with one another. Remember to always thank your spouse and let them know that you are happy you were able to communicate. 

Point 2: Effective communication is important to the development of trust in a marriage. 

Love

Is love enough for a healthy marriage? Do you think you can just solely survive on love alone? In my opinion, no.  I believe that marriage takes more than just the simple words, I love you! Marriage is a true test of not only your emotions but, life skills.  Life skills that we may have not even developed yet.

After 13 years, I am still learning so much about myself and my spouse.  Do not be afraid of change, growth, or to admit that marriage is more than love.  Hell, even the way we love and receive love is different.  My husband is all about positive affirmations which fills up his “love tank”.  I am an “Acts of service” kind of girl.  My husband is very affectionate, I am not as much. 

It is all about learning those things about your spouse. 

What makes you both similar?

What makes you both different?

What makes your love special?

Marriage is not easy; it is hard work.  Marriage takes time and dedication.  Continue to work and never stop growing with your spouse.

Point 3: Understand that love is important but, a strong long lasting marriage takes more than just love and that is ok.